Greater is He who is in me...

Not so long ago I had a lot of passion. I dreamed big dreams. I believed in myself. Then I quit. I quit one thing, then another, quitting is a habit. I quit on hard things and I quit on easy things because once you've quit you feel like you can't finish anything. Then I married an amazing man. And he wouldn't let me say the negative things I thought about myself. And he won't let me quit. So, I'm quitting quitting, not because Jason won't let me, but because Jason enabled me to believe in myself again. To finish the race. And that is exactly what I am trying to do. Finish THE race. 26.2 miles. May 1st. Big Sur, California. It is the final thing on a very old to do list.

Thus the new name for the blog. Chasing Shadows. I love to run at night, when it is slightly cold, and I can look at the stars to take my mind off the burn in my legs. When I run at night the street lights cast shadows. Each time I pass beneath a light I have two shadows, the one beside me and the one cast in front of me. And it made me realize something about myself; for a really long time now I have portrayed myself as the shadow in front of me, the person that I am running after, but in reality I am the shadow beside me. I have all of these things I want to be and characteristics I want to have and instead of honestly pursuing that silhouette of who I could be, I have put on a caricature of that person and put off to the world that that is who I am. When in reality I am a few feet back, I can see that person I want to be, but I just keep chasing, never becoming. And while I recognize that I am still a work in progress I also recognize that I am for the first time in my life chipping away at the barriers between me and the person I want to be.

When I let myself quit, my shortcomings told me that the race had been about me. It's obviously not. Not even a little. I can only see the shadow of who I want to be when I am in the light. "And do this understanding the present time; The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because your salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." Romans 13:11-12. I know that I can only run the good race if I armor myself with the power of Christ.

I ran a 1/2 marathon in October. It was miserable. Ha. I questioned my desire to run the full, but God has placed that desire in my heart. And on my long, quiet training runs he speaks to my heart. I asked him to show me my iniquities. And He has and it is painful, but training hurts. Discipline is sometimes painful. But discipline is what I yearn for.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one get the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Corinthians 9: 19-23