I dropped off of the face of the blogging planet. Because really what do you say after your heart changes so much in two short weeks. Then what do you say when just a short time later everything changes with the news of a baby. I, who have never been short on words, have been at a total loss.
In the past 7 months God has been breaking and reshaping my heart in so many ways. It’s a process I would love to say I have embraced with grace and gratitude, but instead I have kicked and fought my way through the process. It has not been pretty, but death isn’t pretty.
In Africa God whispered Revelation 21:5 to my heart over and over again. When I returned home the church sign at the entrance of our subdivision brought me to tears, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Over and over again he has whispered to my heart, I am making you new. I am creating new life in you. I am giving you new opportunities. I am giving you a new heart. (Ezekiel 36:26)
All of this to say, if we were to sit down and have lunch, other than you witnessing my absurd appetite, I would tell you all about what God has been doing. I would tell you how it has been painful, and I haven’t liked it. I would tell you about the isolation I have felt in the experience. I would inevitably tell you I have the greatest husband in the world. And then, I would blow your mind with what God has done most recently. About how He is for us. About how He cares for our hearts, our desires, and even the tiny details.
Not long ago Jason got a call from a boat company in TN, minutes from where we grew up, they wanted to know if he would be interested in a job. About the same time we decided to put our house up for sale. We met with a realtor. We got depressed. I asked a friend to pray for us and the process. The next day that friend said, “Hey, you know, I’ve been praying for months, I feel like it’s time for me to buy a home, I’d love to come and look at yours.” 3 days later she made an offer. We started the process, without a realtor. Lots of waiting followed, and yesterday we received a formal offer from the boat company in TN, and today, exactly 2 weeks before we are to close on our house, we were able to turn in our notices.
We have enjoyed our time in Pooler. I will forever be so grateful for the opportunity to move away as newlyweds and really learn to depend on and work together with my husband. The past two and a half years have been about the foundation of our marriage, and I am grateful.
That being said, our hearts are in East TN, we miss the lake we grew up and fell in love on, we miss those Smoky Mountains, and we miss our family and friends. It's the place we want to raise our babies. It’s the place I always wanted to get out of, and then having accomplished that, the place I realized was part of the fabric of who I am.
God knew our hearts, and even when we weren’t actively pursuing it, he made going home a possibility. Then he blew us away with the details and left us with hearts full of gratitude!
Since early in college the following passage has been on of my favorites, and I have loved watching the story of our lives take some of these turns. I am glad that I am not the author of our lives, and I am grateful for the chance to be returning home- changed.
“And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”
It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.”
