Beauty from Ashes

Break my heart for what breaks yours.. I prayed it, He answered.

Less than 24 hours ago I came home. I came home to half of my heart standing in the airport, arms spread, ready to receive me back home.

The other half of my heart was left in Africa, my other home.

In a million little pieces.

1 big piece was left in the hands of a beautiful 9 year old girl named Hellen. A little was left in the grass where we slept under the stars, her head on my shoulder, her arms around my waste. Safe. A little left when I put her to bed in her bunk, tucking the covers real tight around her feet and arms. Pieces of it left each time we danced or sang in circles, nkwagala okuzina, I love to dance, chanted over and over. Pieces taken each time she let out that wonderful little joyful laugh. The biggest piece left as I hugged her tight and kissed her beautiful little bald head, telling her bye, dayo, to go back in lugandan.

I left a piece in a prison, full of children in Kampala, where the Bible came to life. When children who were cast out and abandoned, locked in cells, came to life, danced, and worshipped with such genuine joy that I could not stop the tears from rolling down my face.

I left a piece in that prison with my new friend Sam. A 9 year old boy who was sent away by his father for being stubborn. A boy who likes football and doing flips. Another piece when I saw the hands of a tiny boy wrapped around the cold steel bars of a cell.

A piece taken in Jinja with a 4 year old boy named Brad who lives on the street. Who was so dirty and alone, yet never stopped smiling. I lost a piece when he came up to me with a hurt toe and I took him to the doctor and held his hand as he cried. A piece left as he came running alongside our bus in the street and I got to hold him one last time and tell him that I love him, that Jesus loves him.

I lost a piece in a tiny one room home where a mother dying of Aids told my friend and I that she didn’t know what would happen to her children after she died. A piece gone when I told her we could help, God had sent me to hear her story, to hug her babies and to help her. I can do that because God blessed me, and as I walked out on that dying woman and her 15 year old boy, her 9 year old daughter holding my hand, I lost a piece of my heart.

Pieces of my heart chipping away.

A piece left in the back row of a Ugandan church, where Jesus took away the pride of my heart. Where I laid in the floor and heard dozens of my brothers and sisters praying aloud that most beautiful prayers I have ever heard, in a language I don’t understand.

My heart empty, nothing left to give after Uganda, I prayed to God to fill me up, give me more of him to give away.

He did.

He is faithful.

A piece taken when we were greeted in song by a 100 beautiful Kenyan voices singing welcome to us.

A piece gone as I awoke that first morning to those same voices singing Amazing Grace.

Amazing Grace indeed.

Redemption.

Beauty.

Love.

Joy.

A piece given to a 13 year old boy named Danson. In desperate need of medical attention and a voice. God guided my friend and I to him. Let us be a part of a miracle. Let us be a part in him receiving surgery to remove just a toe, and not a foot, or a leg, or his life. Danson, my friend, my brother, my heart.

He makes all things new.

A piece gone as I watched a teenage girl stand and tell her story. The loss of her parents, he grandmother, the mistreatment of her aunt, the redemption of her life. I lost pieces as she quoted Psalms 27:10 “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”

Broken pieces as the pastor stated, “You may not have a lot in this world’s perspective, but when you know who your father is you have so much.”

My heart is scattered throughout Kenya and Uganda.

Scattered in dozens and dozens of tiny, beautiful, brown hands and arms.

Left in a hospital room, a church, a crib, a prison, a home, an orphanage, a street in Jinja.

I went to Africa to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Instead I saw Jesus. I looked in his face. I held his hand. I hugged him. I prayed with him. I prayed over him. I begged him to take away the hurt. The pain.

I thanked him for the joy. The joy that was everywhere. The laughter. The dancing. The singing. I thanked him for redemption. For Grace. For beauty from ashes.

My heart was broken. It was replaced with God’s heart. I want to keep his heart, even if it hurts.

He taught me that love can change the world. It did 2000 years ago on a cross on Calvary and it can change the world today.

He left us his spirit. He is alive. He is still changing hearts. He is still changing lives.

He changed mine in two short weeks.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of god be in him? Dear children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence, whenever our hearts condemn us, for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God." 1 John 3:11, 14, 16-20. 4:7

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

1 Timothy 6:18

Before I even begin I want to thank everyone who purchased a shirt, made a donation, or has said a prayer over my trip. The outpouring of support that came from selling these shirts really filled my heart and I have felt so loved over the past few months. So thank you.

18 days from today I will begin my trip to Africa. Some 36 hours or so later I will literally be stepping into the journey that God has called me into. I am excited. I am nervous. I am blessed. My heart is already being challenged and stretched in so many ways and I just want to soak up the lessons that God has for me. I feel as if my heart is completely malleable and I want it to be forever changed.

Having my trip bump up to Christmas as it does Jason and I have really been challenged this year to think about what Christmas means, and how we are going to celebrate it within our family. So this year Jason and I decided that we would make Christmas gifts for everyone in our lives and we have really enjoyed the process, and dare say everyone that receives a gift is going to appreciate it as well.

If you are looking for some last minute, meaningful gift ideas for the people in your lives I have an idea! I have a list of 6 of the organizations that I will be visiting on my trip. I am going to attach the links to their websites as well as a little information about each place. If you would like to give money to one of these organizations in someones honor for Christmas you can either donate via the links on the ministries page or donate on my blog in the top right hand corner. When I return from my trip in January I will write a letter to the person you donated on behalf of, telling them about what that money is going toward, the people that I was blessed to meet there, and include a picture of the children at that place.

I have already been blessed by this experience and I know that those blessings are about to multiply abundantly. I believe that in giving your heart will also be blessed.

Uganda Ministries:

Return Ministries: http://www.returnministriesuganda.org/

Return Children's Home exists to raise the next generation of Ugandan leaders as we bring the fatherhood of God to the Fatherless, by pursuing excellence in academic and practical skills, integrity in conduct and moral values, so each child becomes a responsible Christian and a productive citizen of Uganda through fostering alliances and partnerships between Christian leaders in Africa and the rest of the world. The model involves physical care, medical intervention including HIV/AIDS treatment, education - formal and vocational, counseling and emotional well being as well as moral and spiritual discipleship. we believe that the Church is the solution to every community problem and that GOD has called us to establish justice and righteousness in our world. The church is, therefore, central to all we do. 60 Feet: http://sixtyfeet.org/ 60 Feet is a ministry that came out of a heartbreaking situation. Not long ago a woman was on her way out of Kampala and drove past a dilapidated old sign that read “M”: Rehabilitation Center for Children. She was drawn to learn more about the place so she turned down a long, winding dirt road until she came to the end. To her horror, she found rooms of children locked up, young kids chained to windows, and even a 10 day old, malnourished and living in her own urine. She saw hundreds of children with little food and no supervision. As horrific as this was, on that day God began a glorious story of redemption for these children. In response to what they learned about “M”, 60 Feet mobilized a team to help improve the conditions on the ground. The initial objectives were immediate relief for these children which included basic necessities such as water, food and medical care. Today it includes ministering to the children through teaching and in some cases release to their families. Amazima Ministries: http://www.amazima.org/

Amazima Ministries was founded by 19 year-old Katie Davis in 2008. The organization, based out of Brentwood, TN, feeds, educates, and encourages orphaned and vulnerable children and the poor in the country of Uganda. In the Lugandan language, Amazima (uh-mahz-i-muh) means "truth." Amazima desires to reveal the truth of God's unconditional love through Jesus Christ to the Ugandan people. Amazima minister to people through: education sponsorship, Masese outreach, community outreach, vocational projects, and discipleship.

Canaan Children's Home: http://www.canaanchildrenshome.org

Canaan Children's Home is a home ran by Pastor Isaac Wabaga that operates with the following goals and objectives in mind:

1. Children are people too and Canaan Children’s Home’s main objective is to bring children out of the street and turn them into good Christians and responsible citizens. We desire that they come out of the life they are leading on the street (i.e. drug abuse and bad moral behaviors).
2. It is our desire that the orphans get help, find meaning in life and to belong to the home.
3. To help them not to think that life ended when they lost their parents. We desire to be the fathers of the fatherless as the Lord commissioned us.
4. We desire that all these children get an education so that they may be self reliant in the future and we want to train them to help other orphans.
5. To give these children good health services by building a clinic at the Home and have a doctor available of them.
6. To give these children a good education by building primary and secondary schools.

Kenya Ministries:

Fiwagoh Mission Orphanage: http://www.fiwagoh.org/fiwagoh.asp

In addition to the caring for and educating the orphans that the Fiwagoh Orphanage has gathered, the mission is also working to uplift the living standards and the educational and moral standards of the stricken poverty children from the surrounding neighbours and children of our fellow church members around the community are given the opportunity to learn along with our orphans. Right now, more than 20 pupils' lives have changed after joining our institution. Through their strong character influence, their parents have also been drawn to the church.

Visoi Children's Centre International: http://www.visoi.com/

We are a small charity who support a community of children in Kampi Ya Moto in the Rift Valley, Kenya. There, many people are affected by Aids and HIV, none more so than the children, many of whom have been orphaned or who are themselves infected with the virus. Visoi Children's Centre International has been set up in conjunction with the local community to provide safe accommodation, health care and education opportunities for these orphaned children. It is important that the charity is working directly with the local community, with a view to enhancing and developing the skills of local people, with the plan that the orphanage will eventually become largely self sufficient.

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These are the ministries that I will be visiting that have websites. In addition we will likely be visiting: Haven of Hope Children's home, Grace Children's home, Church on the Rock Academy, and Kibera which is one of the largest slums in the world (all of which are in Kenya).

If you want to give, but don't know what to give toward feel free to just give and our team will apply it wherever it is needed most. If you give and want me to write a letter to someone or even to you about where your money went and how it was used just email me and I will be so happy to do so.

If you aren't able to or have already given your prayers are still needed and appreciated. Please prayer over these ministries, visit their websites and stay updated on what they are doing in the lives of these kids.

Thanks again for all of the support and I will keep everyone updated as I am able throughout my trip, and definitely upon returning from my trip.

Africa 2011 Hope T-Shirt

Front:

Back:

Africa has been a prayer whispered in my heart for many years. It's weird to be drawn to a place that you have never stepped foot upon, but I am indeed drawn to Africa. For the past few years it seems that every book I pick up somehow comes around to the issues and work being done in Africa. For Jason and I adoption is not an if in our relationship but a when and this too, for us, comes back to Africa. We sponsor children in Africa, pray for our future children in Africa, and seek out what role God would have us to play in Africa. For these and many more reasons I believe that it is time to venture into this place so heavily laid upon my heart. A trip of this kind is not cheap, nor is it one to enter into lightly. Therefore, I am asking my friends and family to join me by purchasing a T-Shirt that I have designed with my prayer for the trip, and by praying as God prepares my heart for the journey. I hope that as you wear your shirt you will remember not only my journey, but the lives of 73 million orphans in Africa who need your prayers. Thank you so much for partnering with me in this journey.

A random side note: Sorry for the bizarre spacing at the bottom of the page. I have never set up a paypal link and this is the only way that it will work. It's not pretty, but so far it is effective!

Shirt Style

Round Neck $20.00 V-Neck $23.00

Shirt Size

Small Medium Large X-Large XX-Large

Freedom.

So I am definitely over due a marathon post, but before I talk about the torture that is 26.2 I feel like I need to share what I learned through this journey. I ran the marathon that I may check it off of my to do list, but more importantly I ran it because I felt God had placed that desire in my heart and I wanted to see how He revealed himself to me in the process.

Running forces me to get away from the husband who I am tempted to spend all of my time with, and get outside under a big expanse of sky and just breathe. Running is not easy for me, it beats me down, makes me hurt, and sometimes just leaves me miserable, but it breaks down my barriers, it shuts up the voices in my head, and it leaves me on a road running toward a sunset, still inside.

I have spent the last 344 days as Mrs. Jason Vance. It is my favorite role. I love it.

But as it turns out I needed some time alone, to train not only my legs, but my heart and my mind. To be still, and quiet, and reminded, of a love so assuring.

What I am trying to say is…

I was flying to California, I was sitting on the plane, I was looking out the window, and I remembered to be amazed at everything. I forgot that, but right there on that plane, looking out the window at the sun setting over all those people on the ground, I was stunned. I remembered the time that Andie and I flew with some pilot friends at sunset, and watched it set for hours. I forgot how long the sun takes to set, I forgot how beautiful the orange is bouncing off of the clouds, and I was amazed.

I remembered God. I remembered to feel Him. To thank Him. To trust Him. And I cried, right there in the middle of two strangers and a glorious sunset.

I was standing on a cliff, beside my mom, looking out at the mountains, hugging the California coastline. I watched these huge waves crash over and over again against century old rocks and I was astounded. God put me there in that moment just as deliberately as he placed me in my mother’s womb. We were made to stand in that moment, together. mother and daughter, and be amazed.

I remembered God. I remembered to feel Him. To thank Him. To trust Him. I cried, right there beside my mother and a glorious ocean.

I was running between two cliffs and toward a green grass mountain about mile 10. I remembered that this life is fleeting. It is but a breath. That not long ago I was a child and now I am an adult. I will have children. They will become adults and I will die. I thought about the end of my life and how at some point soon my life will end. And how maybe I will run towards heaven, just like that, between grand mountains, beside surging waters, and toward a living God. I felt a heavenly assurance in that moment. I remembered it is a gift to live, to be free and just live.

I remembered God. I remembered to feel Him. To thank Him. To trust Him. And I cried, right between two beautiful cliffs and a thousand people. .

I ran a marathon. When I got home I checked it off the list and I hung my medal up. I am proud of that, but my heart was not filled to the brim by that accomplishment. It was filled between those centuries old cliffs when the God of the universe took a moment to romance my heart, to remind me I am chosen and loved.

... As for this song.. I just played it over and over again for 6 hours. My heart is so glad to be free!

Catchin' Up

Well blog world it has been a while. The Vances have been ridiculously busy for over a month. We celebrated birthdays in Oklahoma and the future Whismans with a shower and a much needed catch up night in TN. And all in between we had a parade of company in and out of Pooler. It feels as if we have been flying, driving, or riding for a solid month.

Needless to say it is time to be still. Together. ALONE.

We will be spending our first Easter together. ALONE.

Kayaking. Camping. Cuddling. Eating the first Easter dinner I've ever cooked.

Thankful for overwhelming grace.

And time together. As husband and wife.

...In other news:

I run my marathon in less than 2 weeks. I am slightly terrified... but that also means I head to San Francisco in less than 2 weeks!

Jason and I have been married long enough that it is now acceptable to order his 1 year anniversary gift! (which I have done!) And book our trip to Chicago! I CANNOT WAIT!!!

Since I seem to be on a travel note Jason and I also booked our summer vacation to Glacier National Park!!! Google that biz. Seriously. Do it. You'll be amazed.

Jay and Mandy move here in June. Venture church is going to become a reality SOON. (more on that later)

My broseph, TVON, moves here June 1st, and we have an entire summer with him while he interns at GP with Jason.

There, you're kinda caught up now.